The Waiting Room

The Waiting Room - Wellspring Group

 

My heart is weird. I’m in a good place but it isn’t fun or easy.  It feels like I vacillate between trusting God and wondering if he even sees me.  Today I’ve had to be honest with a feeling of disappointment that I haven’t seen God move in the way(s) I had hoped he would in the time that I wanted.  I find myself trying to justify why he hasn’t moved – but if I’m really, brutally honest, I’m just trying to keep from asking myself if I’m worth it to him.

I don’t feel overcome with anything negative, or even distraught.  I’m not anxious or fearful.  I just wonder why a God that has the capacity to do big things hasn’t chosen to move in what seem to be pretty small ways for him.  Then I feel silly.  There are people that have been waiting and crying out to God, believing for healing, jobs, salvation, restoration, major life issues… and they carry more faith than me. 

I think I struggle with knowing if I’ve done all that I can do.  Last week as I was praying and wrestling with “have I done enough” I sensed the Lord saying “My goodness does not depend on your goodness.”  In the moment, this was freeing.  I felt released from getting things right so he can move on my behalf.  But then when I don’t see things happening, I am tempted to question what I didn’t do right.  It turns out – I’m not very good at waiting. I am very good at trying to help God, but not good at waiting on God. 

So that’s where I am.  Struggling in the wait.  Believing that he is good. Hoping he sees me.   

Deep down, I want to be blown away by God.  I know there’s still room for that.  I wish for life to be easier but I know that’s not realistic.  I want to be balanced in my expectations for God to move but not living in a place of “name it – claim it /  prosperity gospel”.  I’m hopeful that as God is working in me new levels of trust I will find strength and confidence in his faithfulness.  Until then, I get to choose to stay engaged, trust his goodness and believe that his ways are higher than my ways.

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  • published this page in Blog 2015-05-06 13:42:12 -0500
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