My heart is weird. I’m in a good place but it isn’t fun or easy. It feels like I vacillate between trusting God and wondering if he even sees me. Today I’ve had to be honest with a feeling of disappointment that I haven’t seen God move in the way(s) I had hoped he would in the time that I wanted. I find myself trying to justify why he hasn’t moved – but if I’m really, brutally honest, I’m just trying to keep from asking myself if I’m worth it to him.
I don’t feel overcome with anything negative, or even distraught. I’m not anxious or fearful. I just wonder why a God that has the capacity to do big things hasn’t chosen to move in what seem to be pretty small ways for him. Then I feel silly. There are people that have been waiting and crying out to God, believing for healing, jobs, salvation, restoration, major life issues… and they carry more faith than me.
I think I struggle with knowing if I’ve done all that I can do. Last week as I was praying and wrestling with “have I done enough” I sensed the Lord saying “My goodness does not depend on your goodness.” In the moment, this was freeing. I felt released from getting things right so he can move on my behalf. But then when I don’t see things happening, I am tempted to question what I didn’t do right. It turns out – I’m not very good at waiting. I am very good at trying to help God, but not good at waiting on God.
So that’s where I am. Struggling in the wait. Believing that he is good. Hoping he sees me.
Deep down, I want to be blown away by God. I know there’s still room for that. I wish for life to be easier but I know that’s not realistic. I want to be balanced in my expectations for God to move but not living in a place of “name it – claim it / prosperity gospel”. I’m hopeful that as God is working in me new levels of trust I will find strength and confidence in his faithfulness. Until then, I get to choose to stay engaged, trust his goodness and believe that his ways are higher than my ways.