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As a man who has had significant issues with skin cancer since my mid-twenties, the beach scene has not been for me. However, in the last ten years or so Mary and I have come to enjoy being at the beach for early morning and late afternoon walks and beautiful sunsets with occasional dips in the ocean and more often in the pool or hot tub. Last week my grandchildren significantly changed my experience of the beach.

On Sunday, we took Jonathan and Laurie and the four children to a condo on the beach. The children had been planning their time for months and were very excited. We went out after an early dinner the first night and the conditions were almost perfect. The sun was behind clouds and receding in the western sky, the water was shallow and the waves were just enough to be exciting. With Elise, who is six, holding one hand and Audrey, who is almost four, holding the other we ventured into the Gulf. As the waves would come toward us I would lift them up and we would ride the crest of the wave. They were thrilled, delighted and at times a bit nervous as we experienced the water and the waves. So we gingerly moved outward, yet not too far to really be in any danger. Eventually each one would be covered over with water and be slightly disconcerted for a moment, but then would realize it was really fun. They were filled with delight at all the various experiences.

It was an amazing, beautiful moment as I held my granddaughter’s hands, walking with them, guiding them, challenging them to go deeper, yet always careful not to let them go too far. I felt deep connection, love, care and the desire for them to feel safe yet challenged. It met my deep desire to connect with them, invest in them, enjoy them, protect them and just be with them.

I am deeply grateful for the opportunity to be fully present to my grandchildren, to enjoy their discovery of life and nature and to enjoy who I am in relation to them. In the midst of all of that I long to grow in knowing my Father as one who takes me by the hand walking into the waves of life, ever challenging me to go deeper yet never letting go of my hand. I choose to believe Zephaniah 3:17 is indeed a reality for me.

The Lord your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing.

In the last few weeks I’ve had several situations that triggered my performance issues and brought me face to face with my desperate need for grace. I particularly grappled with this as I went into the Battle for Women’s Hearts event in February and during the weekend on several occasions.

I was struggling with being overwhelmed with my failures, challenges, and struggles and seeking to know what God wants to teach me in them. In the midst of that how do I trust God for grace to effectively share his love, truth, and grace with others? My friend, Bob Flayhart, beautifully entered my heart on Thursday morning as he affirmed me and then challenged me to look to the cross with trust just as the children of Israel looked at the serpent and found healing (Numbers 21). Then as I trust in the work of Christ I am empowered to bask in the love of the Father. It is hard for me to bask in that love while I’m aware of my own failure and how that may have affected others. As Bob assured me, cheap grace is not my problem. If I can bask in that love it will motivate me to repentance and effective faith for others. I responded in faith to Bob and the Lord as I went into the Battle for Women’s Hearts that afternoon.

I was overwhelmed with the Father’s faithfulness during our Thursday sessions as I experienced freedom and the manifest presence of God beautifully touching the women.

At various points of the weekend I continued to struggle. I have been reading through Galatians in the Message and on Saturday I clearly saw how I still live in a works mentality. That in some way I have to have it all right for God to move. That he is blessing my getting it right. Ouch! Through this I came to a new and deeper sense that God blesses out of his sheer grace. His blessing is not in and of itself a validation of who I am or how I am doing in that moment. It is a manifestation of his love and grace for me and his people. Through that blessing I am humbled and open to his words of love, validation, and correction.

This BWH was one of our best. Our facilitators loved the women well and the women who shared testimonies and taught were painfully, yet beautifully vulnerable in ways that deeply touched us all.

The word of the Lord for me this year is “in repentance and rest is your salvation; in quietness and trust is your strength.” I certainly see this as an ongoing part of that work in my life.

With four grandchildren and their parents at our home for several days during the Thanksgiving holiday it was a full, riotous, non-controlled, wonderful time. A bit tiring as well since the children usually awakened between 4:30 and 5:30 in the morning .

With a move to Atlanta becoming more probable we realized that this would probably be our last Thanksgiving in Dothan. When we moved in 32 years ago next June, Jonathan was 11 months old and the Ellis family next door had three children with the youngest being Robert, who was six months older than Jonathan. They became fast friends and spent much time outside playing with each other and the numerous other children of the neighborhood. I would often be outside with the children playing football, soccer, chase, jumping on the trampoline and all other kinds of made up fun and boisterous activities. Wednesday afternoon we were in the backyard playing with our grandchildren when Robert, his wife and three year old son came through the gate. As his son ran to me, it was as if 30 years rolled away and I was taken back to those wonderful memories. Even now tears fill my eyes. I had lots of fun running around the yard chasing all of the children.

Thursday and Friday afternoons the grandparents, parents and eight grandchildren all gathered in the front yards riding all kinds of toys and playing games. Neighbors came over and we all reminisced and played and played. It was just like we used to do 30 years ago. I took the children on lots of wheelbarrow rides and they loved this low tech game.

Thoughts: we have been incredibly blessed to be in one place for almost 32 years, to have good neighbors who shared our values and cared about each other’s children, to have the good health to run and play with this next generation. It is a joy to see our children grown, married and stable, rearing children of their own, following God, and seeking to raise their children in the faith. We are very fortunate! It is a gift of God for all of this to come together, unplanned by us, to celebrate the past, spend these moments together, and realize that God has much more in store as we trust him for the future.

Feelings: humbled by the Father’s providential grace, grateful for the memories, the opportunity to connect with these young people in this way for probably the last time and for the health to enjoy it, prayerful and hopeful for the next generation, and poignantly aware of the brevity of life and how quickly life moves on the older you get. Physically I’m feeling sore from all the exercise, but I’m slowly coming back to normal.

Desires: this touched my deep longing to experience the joy and connection of family and community and make a difference in the lives of people, particularly those closest to me. It certainly reinforced my desire to invest in the lives of my grandchildren.

Choices: to celebrate well the years the Father has given us here, to prepare well for our move and the next phase of our lives, to let the brevity of life and my conviction about eternity to inform the way I live, to continue to be aware of how to structure my life to invest in the next generation of my grandchildren and the other young people God brings into our lives, and make choices that will build good and wonderful memories for thirty years from now!

My favorite time of the day lies in the hours between 5 and 7 a.m. before the kids wake up and the house resumes its normal hurried pace. In the stillness of those precious minutes there is a peace that exists in our house that is unmatched at any other hour of the day. The sun is creeping over the horizon, bringing with it a clean slate on which to write that day’s story. A day with endless possibilities and hope.

Often, in these early morning hours when I’m awake, I’ve chosen to have a hurried quiet time and then jump into whatever activities seem most pressing, taking advantage of the uninterrupted quiet to begin marking things off my To Do list. But this morning I chose instead to soak in the sense of peace that hovered in the air. I paused to reflect on how beyond this morning there is a season of peace that I am in that has not existed in quite some time. At this time all is quiet on the teenage home front (though I’m aware of just how brief that peace can last!). My daughter seems to be settling in well at college and appears to be making good decisions. The endless activity and disorder that accompanies home construction has stilled. My house is clean and everything finally has its own space – things that delight my soul. I am growing in finding balance and looking forward with unlimited anticipation to the upcoming months. Fall is my favorite time of the year. I love the cooler temperatures, the seasonal festivals, the family gatherings and holidays. I love the feeling of pervading peace that descends not just upon my own life but seemingly upon the entire world in the days and weeks leading up to Christmas. It is a reverent, hushed kind of peace that is too easy to miss if you don’t take the time to sit still long enough for it to find you. And I realize that in my innermost being, this sense of peace, such as I experienced this morning, is what I long for. It is what we all long for. It is what we were created for. What we spend endless amounts of money and countless hours searching for. But it can only be found this side of heaven if we take the time to stop and soak in it when given the chance. So this morning I chose to soak in it. And I decided that I want to be more intentional about soaking in the quiet, stillness of the morning when given the opportunity, instead of rushing through the morning in an effort to get everything done so, ironically, I can experience peace and rest through the completion of my task list. It doesn’t quite work that way. You have to accept the invitation when God offers it. “But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up on wings like eagles. They shall run and not grow weary. They shall walk and not faint.”

If anyone is around me for very long they will hear the question, “what do you sense God is up to in your life, this situation or in this relationship?”  That is a simple, powerful question that brings God into the everyday fabric of our lives.

I recently experienced this question in a whole new way from two of my grandchildren.  The background is that two weeks ago we had Elise for five days in Dothan.  We took her back on a Friday, celebrated Audrey’s three year old birthday on Saturday and then brought Audrey and Elliot, our soon to be two year old, home on Sunday the 17th. We then took them back to Atlanta on Thursday the 21^st. 

When Elliott would see me doing something that he didn’t understand, he would ask, “what doin Granddaddy?”  This was particularly prevalent when we were in the car and he didn’t know where we were going.  He would then ask, “What doin Granddaddy?”  Audrey was a bit more advanced grammatically.  In her desire to know what was happening she would ask, “What you doing Granddaddy?”

In their child like faith and trust in their Granddaddy, they were seeking to know what I was up to and in some way how that would affect them.  They were not cynical, just wanting to know.  Their delightful, simple questions drew me to them, motivating me to want to respond in love and understanding, and reminding me of their dependence on the love and protective care of their granddaddy. 

As I reflect on the child like faith of my grandchildren, I am convicted that when I don’t know what is happening or where I’m going to simply ask, “what doin Daddy?”  Even as I write that I’m drawn to simply trust my Heavenly Father and believe in his loving, protective care for me, his child.  As I do, I believe he is drawn to my simple, childlike faith and that he rises up to care for me, his child.

I decided to write about this after a conversation with a friend last week.  He was sharing a significant blessing for him and his family that had come through another person.  I then asked him what he sensed this said about God and God’s view of him (a variation of the question of what are you up to.)   He quickly realized that in these type blessings he does not look through them to see God’s hand.  I then shared my experience with Elliott and Audrey and asked him to reflect on “what his Daddy was doing.”  It became a powerful moment for him as he saw God, once again, trying to communicate his love to him and how special he is to God.  So we took the fabric of life and in it saw the ever present hand of God.

So as you read this I ask you to pause and reflect on your life.  If you don’t know what God is up to or where he is going, simply ask, “What doin Daddy?”  Then pay attention to what happens inside of you. Then listen for his voice in that moment and in the days to come.  In the midst of the blessings, pain and challenges of our adult lives, you may not gain a clear sense of what is going on or the road ahead, but you may gain a deeper sense of peace and rest knowing that your Daddy is present and he loves and cares for you.

Friday a week ago Mary and I drove to Montgomery to meet with Tal and Teresa.  As we went through an intersection not far from our home, I carefully looked in all directions and then thought to myself, I’m a pretty good driver.  Ah, pride goes before destruction.

About 45 minutes later, I did three things in the span of about five minutes that for me, were not inappropriate driving.  However, Mary experienced them as not just inappropriate, but reckless.  She has a deep need for security and, in that moment, she felt I jeopardized her security.  She did not “wear white,” as we teach in the BWH, but reacted in a way that for me, felt like an attack.  I then asked her if she wanted to drive.  Well you begin to get the picture.

What makes this even more challenging is that throughout our marriage this has been an area of consistent irritation and occasionally an explosive one. So the pain in each one of us runs pretty deep.

In a few moments, I gathered myself enough to know that I needed a strategic withdrawal, meaning I needed to shut up, not say anything else, and pray.  Several times she asked questions but I was not able to effectively respond so I chose not to.

I felt unjustly attacked because, from my perspective, I had not put her in danger and she was way overreacting.  However, as I continued to seek the Lord I realized that I needed to take responsibility for my actions and that I could have driven in such a way as to produce security in her instead of insecurity.  Finally I was able to own my sin, apologize and ask forgiveness.  She forgave me and then asked what I was feeling.  I chose not to respond, because I was still struggling.  After several requests I finally shared that I was hurt that she did not take responsibility for her own reaction.  Her response was that I was trying to make this about her and not me.  I disagreed with that.  Well, you get the picture.

Over the course of about an hour we eventually made progress as each of us shared the pain of our past, increasingly took responsibility for our own actions, and sought God for healing. 

We had intended to spend that time reflecting on the past few months of our managing director search and prepare for our celebration time with Tal and Teresa.  Instead we were trying to just get to a place of being able to effectively love one another and them.  The price of sin is not cheap.  However, if we stay before the Lord he is faithful to redeem our failures.

Even though we were not well prepared, God met us in our meeting with Tal and Teresa.  Then God took me deeper into my own sin of failing to love Mary well in how I drive.  Over the last few years I’ve seen how, at various points in our life together, I’ve been insensitive to her deep need for security, so insensitive that I would have to describe a few responses as cruel.  One of those involved driving.  That has been very hard to bear.  So as I reflected on our experience, I began to see that every time I drive I have an opportunity to communicate that I love her and I want to be a channel from God touching her deep desire for love, care and security in her life.  I began to be painfully aware that my failure to be sensitive to her feelings was a failure to love her well and a failure to protect and provide which is truly my deep desire.  So in the last week, I’ve been consciously aware of driving in a way that will communicate love, protection and security.  I trust that will become an increasing part of my life. 

I am indeed grateful for Mary’s love, forgiveness and faithfulness through the years.

Observations: 

If I had been able to fully take responsibility more quickly and not focused on Mary’s response to me that would have given her more freedom to see her own responsibility.

I continue to seek healing for my own pain from previous interactions.  The more healing I experience the more likely it is that I take responsibility for my own actions and don’t focus on her actions.

For years, as Daniel and I have been married, I have struggled whenever he travels.  Of all the things in life to dislike, I absolutely hate being left.  In my BWH, for the first time I recognized the desire behind this.  I had a great fear of being left unprotected.  I could see how this has played out over many years in my life.  It was quite the revelation. 

Well, Daniel left last Sunday for his annual two week training.  What an opportunity for God to bring growth :)  When I say that there is an underlying fear of being left unprotected, it’s not in the way that you would normally think.  I am able to function pretty independently and don’t mind being by myself.  The question that stays in the back of my mind is “what if something happens and I have to handle it on my own?”   But I made the decision to stay at our new home, in Florida, by myself… and had perfect peace about it.

Flash forward to Friday evening.  I had friends coming in for the weekend and as the dogs and I welcomed them upon their arrival we came pretty much face to face with my greatest earthly fear… a snake!  If ever there is a time I need my husband, it is when I see a snake.  I recognize that snakes are supposed to be as scared of me as I of them… but I find that very hard to believe.  We did the girl thing… and danced and screamed and tried to find something to defend ourselves.  The snake slithered his way into my neighbor’s nearby flower / shrub garden and we locked ourselves in the house.  My next response was to call Daniel and blame him for not being here!  (I know… that wasn’t very nice… but I’m still growing!)  He quickly gave me some recommendations for what to do, but I was still frustrated that I was having to handle this without him.  (This is not my role!)

As I lay in bed Saturday morning my mind is filled with thoughts of the previous evening:

Thinking:  Why does this have to happen now?  Why couldn’t the snake wait until Daniel came home? Why would God move me to a place that is filled with snakes?  (A truth I found out as my neighbors confirmed this would become the norm over the next few months)  Why didn’t anyone tell me that this area is known for copperheads and water moccasins?  This would have had a significant impact on our decision of where to live.  I know God says we will trample the serpents, but I don’t want to!

Feeling:  Fear.  The desire to be protected from these things I absolutely hate.  Bitter that I’m having to face this on my own… (not discounting the girls that are with me).   But I am reminded of the essence of woman… to engage with courage, beauty and love… I am created with courage.  (even when I don’t feel it.)

Choice:  After looking for volunteers to be my hero, I chose to step up with as much courage, beauty and love as I could muster and protect my domain.  I armed myself with battle gear and declared war on the snakes.  I cannot live in fear and I must protect my children (dogs).

With all authority in heaven and earth, my pink snake boots (formally known as rain boots) and hoe in hand, Christie and I set out on our mission.  And now, with the sweet smell of mothballs, I rest in knowing I’ve played my part. 

I am forever hopeful that this is not my role in God’s larger story… but I feel a little bit braver knowing that I stepped up… with courage, beauty and love.

I would like to  share about my experience of the recent Board retreat. 

Observations: we accomplished our goal of giving the members and spouses a succinct, but comprehensive overview of where we’ve been, are, and are going.  We shared our hearts with each other and cared for each other.  Participants were drawn more deeply into the vision and mission God is giving us and sensed a deeper commitment to the mission.

The board had spirited, effective engaging on key topics.  With much love, respect, and tears we honored Don Barham for his six years of service to the board.  We look forward to his ongoing service in the ministry.  We welcomed Spencer and Emily Hall. It was a delight to have a young, but wise couple to encourage and challenge us as they added who they uniquely are to our team. 

We spent significant time in listening prayer.  We experienced the Lord’s pleasure in us, we clearly heard him say to listen and obey and then humbly but boldly move forward making sure we stay connected to God and one another.  The picture of a tree planted by the waters affirmed the need to stay deeply rooted in an intimate relationship with God.   We honestly grappled with challenges that are before us.  

Feelings: satisfaction, awe, wondering how I fell into this part of the story and why people really want to give this much, sober as we considered the challenges before us, loved by the brothers and sisters, covered and protected by the brothers as we experienced stimulating interchanges that were in a few places uncomfortable, thankful for these men who I feel safe in submitting my life and this ministry to, thankful for the wonderful part the spouses played in our large group discussions and prayer times. Excited by the possibility of building our staff and hopeful that will happen soon. 

Desires: to be part of a team that is truly involved in what feels like a partnership, to be mutually engaged, to be challenged, protected and covered, to hear from God, to know that we are truly living in our part of the Story, to hear well done, to come through, for people to feel included and part of a team, connected, to have an impact, to honor.

Friday, March 11th, we received word that Laurie, our daughter-in-law would have our fourth grandchild on Monday.  Sunday we left for Atlanta so we could take care of the other three that evening through Tuesday morning.  We were prayerfully excited, asking God for grace that all would go well with Laurie and the baby. We are overwhelmed with gratitude that all went well.

Laurie went in early Monday about 6:00 AM and at 10:10 AM the baby was born, after just one push!  Elise took over 12 hours to get here.  Each one has taken progressively less time and less labor.  She and we were very grateful.  We went to school to pick up Elise and took all three children in to see their new sister.  It was a joyful occasion!  Elise and Audrey kissed her, caressed and generally seemed to really welcome.  Elliott of course didn’t really know much about what was going on. 

I held her for just a few minutes but it was hard to let it all soak in as we were trying to make sure the children were all well in the midst of the labor and delivery room.  Sheryl, Laurie’s mom, came over that night after we got the two youngest to bed so we could go down and see Ann Catherine Elaine.  As I held her that night and again the next day before we left to return home, there was a deep sense of peace, wholeness, rest, satisfaction, and connection to that deep desire to encircle her with protection and provision. 

As I reflect on having four healthy, wonderful grandchildren I am moved to tears at God’s graciousness to us.  One of the two deepest pains of my life was the loss of our second miscarriage.  We longed to have a large family, yet God saw fit to just give us one son.  Now, years later, through Jonathan and Laurie’s desire for a large family, God has graced them with four children and us with four grandchildren.

What am I feeling? The pain of loss, the joy of provision, the wonder of how God works through the years in ways we cannot know in the moment and may not see until eternity, a further healing of the pain of loss, connecting to the feelings noted above, gratefulness for Jonathan and Laurie’s willingness to have four children with three under the age of three!

What am I desiring? To move to Atlanta.  :)  A deepening of my desire to fulfill my part as a grandfather in that Fellowship that desires to protect them and propel them into their part of God’s Larger Story.

What am I willing to choose? Mary and I are getting ever more in touch with the cost of playing that part in the lives of four grandchildren.  Five years ago when our first was born I could not comprehend what this might mean in time or money. I’m increasingly committed to playing my part for their sake, our sake, and the sake of the Kingdom.

Like countless others around the world I have watched, transfixed, as the stories of the Japanese tragedy have unfolded on the television screen over the past week. The initial quake, the devastating tsunami and then the catastrophic threat of nuclear meltdown. I’ve grieved for those who have lost so much, but I’ve been particularly impacted by the ongoing saga at the Fukushima Nuclear plant.

My focus on the plant has been not only due to the potential impact of a nuclear meltdown on the country and the rest of the world but also because, as I’ve calculated just this week, I live less than 19 miles from a similar plant. Nineteen miles seems to be a significant number because that is the radius around Chernobyl that is still considered a no man’s land. It is uninhabitable. And people within that 19 mile ring suffered significant loss of health and life.

But the fact that we live close to the nuclear plant has not been the only thing that has held me captive to the screen. My husband also works at the plant. His job is to provide the ultra-pure water that is used to cool the reactors and prevent potential meltdown. It seemed like a fairly mundane task until just days ago. Then I realized that in the event of a catastrophe or terrorist attack it would be people like my husband who would be asked to stay behind. Men who like to hunt. Men who like to fish. Men who value family and their God. Men who have years yet to be lived. They are the face of the Fukushima 50. And I balked at the sacrifice that is required in such a situation.

I’m taking my husband and leaving, I thought. No way will he be staying to “save the world.” It doesn’t pay that well J And yet, as I’ve considered the faceless Fukushima 50 – actually estimated to number close to 200 – I’ve been amazed at the choice they have made to stay behind. To work under unimaginable conditions, knowing that even if they do save the rest of the world there is probably not a doctor in the world who will be able to save them.

“They’re so brave,” I spoke aloud to my husband.

“Does that mean you’d expect me to stay behind?” he queried in return.

And before I even had time to contemplate the cost I responded, “Sometimes it goes beyond yourself and your family.” And that’s when it hit me. These men stayed behind because they understood that the situation they were facing went way beyond any one person or family. Even though they may not be believers, because they were created in God’s image they are still able to grasp that there is a Larger Story. And they were willing to give up everything because they saw the role they were called to play in that Story. They were not born heroes. On March 11 they drove through the security gates at the plant prepared for another uneventful day. Routine. Mundane. But in the span of mere minutes they were thrown into a situation that has since made them heroes.

“Take care of yourself. I won’t be home for a while,” one husband told his wife. But he and his wife both know that he may not be home at all. That’s because he heard the call. He counted the cost. He rose to the challenge. He chose to fulfill his part in the Larger Story. And I, for one, will forever be both grateful and inspired.

March 7 marked another milestone in my life as I turned 58. The days leading up to and including my birthday were ones of celebration and reflecting on God’s good gifts.

The Friday before my birthday through Monday, March 7, Mary and I spent with our three grandchildren while Jonathan and Laurie were away. Monday evening we went to a Perimeter Church community group meeting of about twenty families. They surprised me with a birthday celebration and an affirmation time.

So what am I experiencing through these gifts?

The gift of Grandchildren
There is great joy in being with each of them and discovering more of who each one is. Each is in a different stage with its own blessings, challenges and struggles. Elise, five, is a budding artist like her grandmother, Mamie. Laurie hosted Elise’s first art exhibition Sunday afternoon and it was a delight to behold her beautiful art work and see her talk about each piece. She is growing in confidence and poise. Jonathan and Laurie returned after lunch on Sunday so we left Sunday evening to spend the night with friends. Before she went upstairs Elise gave me the longest and tightest hug of her life. It was a beautiful moment of bonding, love and joy.

Audrey is two and a half. She is charming, winsome, and delightful. Yet she can be all of that while she does exactly the opposite of what you’ve just asked her to do. She comes honestly by her strong will. I can’t help but smile even as I think of her beautiful, strong personality.

Elliott is sixteen months and much like his dad. He is gentle, easy going with lots of smiles, using lots of words, and carries around 1-2 blankets almost everywhere he goes.

On Monday Mary and I celebrated my birthday by taking Elise and Audrey to the Fernbank Museum new children’s exhibit.

The gift of being 58 and hearing the voice of God’s love and validation through his children
I really enjoy this stage of growing older. I’m in good health and yet during my recent January illness I was once again reminded of my mortality. As I faced that, I realized that if I died right now, I would die deeply satisfied and fulfilled. I’ve dealt with the regrets of my life and I believe that my life has counted, that I am fulfilling my part in the Story. I believe that I’ve “fought the good fight, I’ve run the race, and I’ve kept the faith.” This is deeply gratifying and humbling. God has indeed been very gracious to me as it never ceases to amaze me how God is restoring my profound brokenness to his glory.

On Monday evening Mary and I attended a community meeting. The group surprised me after dinner with a birthday celebration of chocolate cake and lots of ice cream topped off with a large group sharing time in which they affirmed how Mary and I and WG have affected their lives and families. I was overwhelmed, in tears, humbled, gratified, satisfied and in awe once again at God’s gracious favor.

As I reflect on this now, I clearly hear the Father’s voice of love and validation for me as his beloved son and see his smile of pride and joy.